Transactional
- use players as tools to meet their personal needs for validation, status, and identity.
- Hold power over us to elicit the response they want.
- Typically players don't accept their belief system or buy into their programs.
- Coach first, team second, player's growth and needs last.
Transformational
- use coaching platform to impart life-changing messages
- Other-centered
- use their power to nurture and transform players
- players sense their authenticity
- Players first, team second, coach's needs met by meeting the needs of the players
Joe's personal journey
- quest for empathy and validation
- acting out in front of coaches
- destroying running backs to earn it
- crushing lineman to win it
- playing part of the affible (friendly, good-natured) wild man
- never really filled the void
Studies that looked at the common characteristics of parents who had raised kids with healthy relationship patterns.
It was the parents capacity to make sense of their history that determined their ability to raise kids who could connect well to others.
WHY DO I COACH?
WHY DO I COACH THE WAY I COACH?
WHAT DOES IT FEEL LIKE TO BE COACHED BY ME?
HOW DO I DEFINE AND MEASURE SUCCESS?
Reflect on glorious and hurtful experiences with sports and coaches
Tracing the unfulfilled needs we felt as S-A
Determining how those unmet needs can drive us as coaches
Understanding that our obligation is to coach for our players and not for ourselves.
Young athletes need CONNECTION, EMPATHY, GUIDANCE.
"SPORTS DON'T BUILD CHARACTER UNLESS A COACH POSSESSES CHARACTER AND INTENTIONALLY TEACHES IT"
Lacking the emotional skills to discern the damage to his sense of self, Joe sought the approval of his dad thru sports and achievements on the field.
Game Changers
1. winter of 1961. Playing BB, Coach talked him into smacking a kid with the ball to teach him a lesson.
Felt sick to his stomach, all the fans were staring at him
Shame engulfed him
Team congratulated him
Shame became his constitution
not angry at the coach
didn't pity the poor kid
"I was confused and consumed with myself and my shame".
2. Baseball
missed a ball at 3rd base
lost the game, cost the championship
let e/o down
desired the coach to at least pat him on the back or give a consoling word --CRAVED AFFIRMATION
GOT NOTHING
Never played Bb again.
"I swore I would never put myself in a position again where my failure would be so visible to others."
Life Changer
Raped by a father of a little girl based on a misunderstanding. He thought Joe had raped his little girl so he raped him back. It was not true
More shame=wounded, isolated, alone for decades
This helped push Joe to be a TOUGH GUY...
one of the unhappiest "successful" men you could ever find
Absent/angry dad
abusive and violent adults
transactional coaches-uninterested in changing lives
=all converged with sports
- shame became the fuel that drove him to make sports a place to act out his childhood chaos for a growing audience to witness and applaud
- provided a place to hide
- grief morfed into rage over the years
HONEST ABE
ORANGEMAN
COACH SIMMONS transformational
COLTS transactional
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